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Saturday, October 11, 2008

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20 september 2008

Just about few weeks ago..i had water baptism.

I thought i had the courage to face everything already..

I really thought so.

But...

On a particular day..

Mum asked me to go temple with her again to pray for the upcoming A's cause i havent been doing well cause i've been falling sick very very often.

Of course my answer was still a obvious no.

Then a question suddenly popped out from her..

Have you got baptised already? (cause the old me would have went with her.)

I said yes.

Then she started blaming everything on church, getting baptised etc.

She said: 'No wonder you kept falling sick...Did you realised everything's not well after i let you go church?

I don't wanna care about you anymore.'

I know she's worried but i too wanted to do well for prelims...

I didnt want her to have this perception that going church will harm me instead...

but as much as i tried..

I failed..........

I told myself i gotta brace myself up and stop being the 'courage-less' old me..

I tried hard to be constantly growing spiritually..to be disciplined in spiritual life etc cause i know i cant possibly stay at the same old point...

But when i finally felt that.. 'hey im growing' feeling..the same old things come again..

I know devil's at work and i gotta be strong and i gotta go against all these..

But..rahh.

Mum's not really angry with me...

And she's not asking me about it anymore..

(I thank God for that..)

But wells..it's bothering me the same way again..

A levels's coming.

The stress is on to do well and to prove mum wrong.

But..................

RAHHHHHHH.

I didnt want to be such a weakling anymore...

I didnt want to rely so much on people..

I didnt want to continue bothering people around me cause of my own problems/sickness..

I didnt want to be so useless.

But as much as i tried.......

Everything stays the same...

You wont know how helpless and frustrated i am.

rahh.

9:59 PM Back to top

Sunday, October 05, 2008

To rely on but not to be over-reliant.

11:03 PM Back to top

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