I felt frustrated.

And this feeling was no better, in fact getting worse these few days.

Especially today,

when i finally exploded.

This afternoon there was this cedar alumni band meeting at pp macs.

I didnt remember what dad has said to me a few days ago until i asked him if i can go for the meeting.

I went into his room and asked.

But before i could say finish my sentence,

he cut it away and said dont ask me anything cause you should know you're not supposed to go.

You should have known the consequences for lying.

I was like....

speechless.

But mum was telling him to let me go since it's just nearby here.

And i was just having lunch with them.

He eventually allowed after asking many times:

'Did you lie to me again?'

Those repeated sentences totally broke my heart.

The worst came when after i walked out of the room,

my mum said: i think you should not ask dad about going church anymore now since he doesn't trust you to go this time.

Let alone going church.

I was like..

What happened? I thought a few days ago u said u wanted to convince dad to allow me to go church...but now...

I didnt want to give up right away and i asked again: but after my wound heals and after he has cooled down??

My mum didn't replied and walked away.

I was thinking so what happened??

Im being pushed back to square again.

Everything she said that made me HAPPY the few days ago was nothing?

Oh wow.

After the meeting i came back and i shut myself inside my room.

I was thinking about what seriously had happened for the past few weeks.

And i eventually broke down.

I asked God :

'Why must You be so cruel towards me?WHY?!WHY?!WHY?!

And why did You allow this entire thing to happen??

I dont understand and seriously it's driving me crazy.

Why Lord? Why? I really dont understand.'

I cried.

Then i played the song The More I Seek You from my phone and i sang along with it.
Then there was this verse when a guy sings.

It was something i didnt hear before.

I stopped singing and listened.

Then i realised it's cause i didnt actually had any chance to finish hearing the entire song.

Everytime i would stop this song halfway for different reasons.

It went:

Then the girl sings again.

I am running, running after you.

After the whole song has finished,

I wiped away my tears and started thinking.

Was that a coincidence?

Or was it what God wants me to hear?

Or simply i was thinking too much?? But i just felt better.

In a way, i felt that He's comforting me and

He still wants me to be in his kingdom.

And the song kept repeating on my head.

Especially that verse.

I was never there.

AWWWWWWWWWWWW.

everyone is in the state of emo-ing due to the horrible JCTs results.

HAHS. i tried to convince myself that im not sad,

Gotta really think of a way to tell my parents about my results when everything is out on mon.

Argh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I sat through wushu today.

But it's kinda funny sitting down there still makes me so tired.

Oh wells, i guess my eyes are closing and the flu bug is haunting me.

Blocked nose. =(((((((

Aww.

And there's this numbness i feel on my head.

Doc says it's okay will recover.

But there's still this uneasiness within me.

And oh wells, it feels as though i've hit the back of my head against something cuz im feeling some sort like baluku pain.

But i didnt.

RAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

MADNESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Everything is just not on the right track for me.

Saw this on enn's blog. Thought it's quite fun..

Hahs. help me do!!!!=)))))))))))))))))))))

http://kevan.org/johari?name=Shee+Ping

Argh. Another struggle.

I've just went back to school to start a whole new term after resting for a few days.

But things just came crashing on me again.

I've got my results.

And i've kinda practically failed all of the subjects i shld say.

Though they said there will still be moderation.

And for certain subjects i may eventually pass.

But I KNOW i haven't done well.

And i guess i probably deserve it for not working hard enough.

I've just suddenly flared up at somebody.

IM sorry.

Although i've told myself that it's because i havent prepared enough and this should be the results i should have expected myself getting, i couldn't help but got fed up with myself for disappointing me/my parents.

I've no idea how to tell my parents about it.

And it's like i've just told my parents i want to go church.

But looking at my results, will they still allow??

Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

Anyways, enough of the emo-ing stuffs.

I should not allow myself to set into the mode of self-pity.

Just like what en said.

I've still got promos to CONQUER!!

And JCTs are only 10% of total marks for the year.

Phew man.

Wells, I went for dressing today

The nurse at toa payoh polyclinic was super rough and bad tempered.

She was pressing the cotton wool so hard on my wound.

But amazingly i didnt complain.

LOL. I suppose she is tired too after attending to so many patients.

Hahs. So i was nice and didnt complain about things.

Or probably i was afraid she might scold me.

Hahs. =)))))))))))))))))))

Anyways gotta go study for MOCK SPA tmr!!

It's TRULY AMAZING how God turns everything round for the GOOD!!!!!

PRAISE THE LORD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Since the incident happened,

my parents, though they didn't say anything more,

i know they are hurt.

And i've been thinking of ways to make up for my mistakes.

So, for the past few days,

dear brendon has been telling me how to score points with my parents.

He who claims that he's very good at it. HAHS BRENDON =.=

But anyway thanks!!!

I guess everything wouldn't have happened so nicely without your encouragement to build up my courage.

Hahs. Who knows??

Maybe God made you in this picture to encourage me!!!

And you did your job! =))))))))))

Oh wells back to the main thing.

Today around 7plus 8 plus, a flower basket was being sent to my house.

My mum shouted for me and told me abt it.

I went down and initially i thought it was just a normal flower basket that the florist send to my house to advertise for their shop. OH LOLS.

But i was thinking it shldnt be so as it wasnt near the new year where my family will usually buy many pots of plants from the florist and so why would the florist want to advertise??

And soon i realised it was from the ROCK ministries.

There's a letter enclosed which said:

ms shee ping, wishing you a speedy recovery.

I then msged bro wai to thank him for the basket and to apologise for the trouble caused.

And also to tell him that im fine.

He msged: glad that u're doing fine :-) and hope you like the basket.

Hahs. of course i do. it's a basket full of nutritious stuffs: oatmeal,biscuits and bird's nest lol.

And of course a super nice balloon which states: get well.

Hahs. and of course i like it as it represents the care and concern the rock min has for me!!!=))))

Thanks ppl!!!! =))))))))))))))))))))))))))

And wells, mum started asking many questions about the church when i said the basket was from the church.

And i told her that ROCK min stands for the youth group cause the church is being divided in to the adults, youths and the kids.

Then she asked me if i had thanked the person who sent this basket.

I said the person in charge of the ROCK min is bro wai, the youth pastor.

And i told her i've already thanked him right away.

Then i started asking her why im not allowed to go church unlike any other of my friends.

She replied saying that because they have heard of churches who worship the devil instead of God.

And they are afraid.

Then i convinced her by sharing wen's testimony.

Someone my mum knows so well(cause wen has been my best friend since pri sch.)

I told her it was the church that changed wen totally and how God has helped her in her academics and help her change from her past tom boy look to a PRETTAY GIRL!!!(hahs. i guess wenn is flying up to the sky now.)

And i also told her about how en's parents had objected her from going to church but eventually allowed.

Then i cried while i started telling her that from young i've nvr lied abt anything to them.

But it was this time round, going to church was something that i yearn so much, that i lied.

I know it shldn't be the reason for me lying but i told her,

it was because i was desperate,

And i didnt know of any means to convince them to allow me to go church.

I said if only they had allowed me to go...

Then i kept asking her if i could go to church.

She said she's fine with me believing in any religion but it's daddy.

But she said i must get well soon and in the mean time be obedient while she try to find ways to convince my dad to let me go church!!!!

HALLELUJAH!!!!!!!PRAISE THE LORD!!

when i heard this, my tears were like just rolling down my cheeks!!!

It's simply amazing how God has allowed this series of events to happen and eventually led to me opening up to my mum and hear that she will be trying to convince my dad to allow me to go church!!!!

Everything was planned by GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!

He, who knows that i do not have enough courage to confess to my parents about me lying to them;

He who is always there when i needed support;

He who comforted me when i felt so guilty of the lies i've made;

He who carried me during the most troublesome times of my life.

Although i know that convincing my dad will need much more effort and is even harder,

i know everything is possible with God!!!

Just like how he has brought me to confess everything to my mum.

And i know the day will arrive soon,

when i'll be in church worshipping God every Sunday and need not worry about my parents calling me and asking where am i!!!!!!

The worst nightmare.

That's the only word to describe the whole incident yesterday.

It's a series of events that has occured within a day,

one after another, unabling me to sit down and to think about it,

and even to react properly.

And yea, i went for the carnival,

feeling guilty of the lie that i've said to them again.

And also, together with the fear that the truth will be revealed.

That i've lied to them.

I had no idea why this feeling was especially strong yesterday.

But i soon realised the reason for it.

Service was great,

and i've enjoyed dancing and worshipping God.

And after service, we went to Hong Lim Park for the carnival.

Seeing everyone in their retro outfit was definitely a fun.

Cause who, in a sound state would usually dress like that??

Unless you're going for the 7th month ge tai then that's a different case.HAHS.

Oh wells, just as i thought everything was fine and was having great fun going from stations to stations for games,

something unexpected happened.

I was at the dunking pool..

And i felt like trying the feeling of getting dunked by ppl after seeing so many of them got dunked.hahs.

Then, wen, en and i decided to get changed.

Hahs.Then, one by one got dunked..

I was the last person behind.

And oh wells benny managed to dunk me into the pool.

Then it was his turn back to the pool to get dunked by ppl.

I tried to aim at the thing but still eventually missed.

Wen suggested that i should just go forward to hit the bar and dunk him into the pool

I was considering but in the end i still ran forward and pushed the metal bar..

But i guess i pushed it too hard and it hit on my head as it rebounced.

At first i was thinking it wasn't very painful..it's just how u'll feel when u hit urself against something.
I was thinking i'll at most get a bump on my head.

But who knows..when i went to touch my forehead,

i felt this dent on my head and blood was gushing out.

And soon my whole hand was covered with blood.

En says it's so dramatic that it can only be seen in tv drama series.

Like how the blood will flow down covering the whole side of your face.

Hahs. i guess so too.

But wells, during that point of time,

I was super worried.. not about the wound on my head,

but how am i going to inform and explain to my parents.

And how am i going to face the consequences after they know the truth that i was lying?

Holding a towel on my head to stop the bleeding,

i was then driven to Singapore General Hospital.

After waiting for quite a while,

I was then brought to a room where there is this newbie doctor.

After she removed the bandage i had earlier on, she was like..

'Oh my gosh!!@@!!!!!!!!!!! It's so deeeep!!!!!!!!!!!!!'

I was like..yea i know it's deep but must she say until lidat??

Then she told me that there's fracture in my skull.

Then i was, okay this time round, im in deep trouble.

Budden sis carol, a pharmacist who used to be working in SGH,

says that it shouldn't be a fracture or else, you,ll be given more serious attention already.

And yea soon it was proven that she is REALLY A NEWBIE DOCTOR.
I went for X-ray which was super comical.The person asked me not to move together with the piece of board.

But i told him i cant help moving lei..cuz theres such thing called friction??

that pushes me to move with it. LOL.

Then after the X-ray,

she called me back into the room.

This time round a more experience but not so experience doctor came to check my wound.

She was like digging into the wound which was like super painful?

i was like OUCH.

Then she said sorry and did that again =.=

She told the newbie doctor there's no fracture within the skull la..

It was just only a very deep cut.

Cause all the layers of flesh, skin and fats before the skull were gone.

And wells, when she's like digging, i could kinda feel she's scrapping my skull..

EWW rights??!@

That's wad wenn says. HAHS.

And wenn totally cant stand me opening that piece of bloody cloth that i used to press on my wound

I showed her the cloth and flipped it open for her to see..

Oh wells, naughty shee ping nvr fails to jet/suan people even when she's sick/injured.

Then soon i was called to the minor operation theatre.

But my phone kept on ringing.

It was from home.

I guess mummy would be super worried.

But i was totally unsure of what to do.

Then, in the end i passed the phone to brendon and went in.

I got in but the newbie doctor didn't say properly that she wanted to do the stitching right away and i'll have to stay in the observation room until 10pm.

I thought she wanted me to go to the observation room and do the operation at 10pm.

Oh wells, then she started the operation.

But the anesthetic wasn't enough and when she started poking,

i was like it's painful..den she poked the same place again and she asked if it's painful.

Then i was like.. i thought i just said it's painful??

WHAT A NEWBIE..ZZZ

Then i was brought to the observation room.

It was then i called my dad with sis carol, wen ard.

I called bro wai before calling my dad.

And i did wad bro wai has told me to do.

Which is to be frank and to be truthful.

I confessed everything and said that i've lied to him telling me that i'll go over to en's hse before going to town to do shopping with them

And of course he scolded me..and i cried as i kept apologising.

But i'll definitely remember his last sentence before cutting off the line.

which is...

'You lied to Daddy.' in chinese.

It was something so clear and hurtful that i just cant help but burst out crying.

Then i attempted to call back, but it was of no use. He cut off the call.

Brendon and sis carol said i'll just have to wait till he calms down.

And so they went to buy food and i rested on the bed.

After dinner, my dad called again.

This time round he screamed at me.

I kept quiet but tears just kept rolling down my cheeks.

And i realised all i could say was simply, sorry.

He said the nastiest thing that one would want to hear.

Something like why dont you just have this one big scar in front of your whole face?

Or simply just die in the hospital?

I wont bother to care about you.

This time round i cried even more.

But he asked me which hospital and where i was in and then he cut off the line again.

After that, benny called..

And wells, i just told him what my dad has said to me

benny told me his past relationship with his dad too

which was somewhat similar to mine.

Then i realised, those things that he said to me simply shows how much he cares for me.

Those nasty things that he said wasnt meant to be true.

But it was something that he said when he was in a pique.

Oh wells, in the end, he still came.

Mum was super worried that she cried when she saw me.

And i cried too.

Daddy's face was super black and i was scared.

But the first thing he did when he came was to look at the stitches on my head.

I know he actually cares alot about me.

And i know i've hurt them so badly by betraying their trust.
After a while en, ting, brendon and grace came[the rest had left.]

Then my worried mum blamed them for not telling her what has happened to me.

Though it was me that stopped them from calling as i wanted to make sure of things before explaining to them..

Oh wells, guys if url are reading this, im sorry.

Hope url understand that my mum did it out of her anxiety.

I was then discharged at 10pm when everything was normal.

On the way home, dad told me what he wants me to do to and to make up for my mistakes.

But my whole mind was just in a whirl and didnt really heard wad he said.

Just plainly replying :'en en..i know.'

When i got home, i immediately went to bathe though my head was still confused and in a mess. Just as i thought everything was fine and that i was just frustrated about what had happened today, i began feeling this sense of physical weakness. My head was in a mess. And i kept on thinking of something which even me myself dunno what was it. My parents saw my condition and got worried. They then hurriedly brought me down to the hospital again. On the journey there, my dad was like:'meimei..(that's wad he usually calls me)you know daddy loves you right?'and mum said:'and mummy loves you too so you have to be strong kaes.' During that time my eyes were uncontroablly looking upwards and there's alot of unwanted movement of my whole body.
But those words were clear in my mind.
Upon reaching there, i was hugging onto daddy while mummy just simply told the nurses that she wanted the more experienced doctors to attend to me. I was then sent to a room where there is this male doctor there. He asked if i was able to look straight.. But when i tried to move my eyes and look at them, i could. However soon as i've relaxed, my pair of eyes will continue to look up. And whole body seemed as though it was not mine as i cannot control them properly and refrain from moving. I was practically rubbing my head against the pillows and my legs and hands rubbing on the bedsheets. The doctor used something to drew on my leg and tap my knees. After which he asked about my sch, what's my name and wad cca was i from. hahs.i could still rmb his expression when i said wushu even when im in that state. But wells, nvm. That wasn't the funniest thing. The funniest thing was that i asked the doctor : 'Will I go crazy??' cause that was what i thought on the way to the hospital. I was telling myself that this time round im dead. I'm really becoming unsound and turning into a lunatic. But the doctor's reply though was funny but eventually managed to calm me down. He said: 'Why do you think you will go crazy when u're speaking perfectly fine now. Just that there's alot of unwanted movements. You'll be perfectly fine after i injet the medicine into your body'

hahs. and come to think of it, i guess i even asked the doctor if he could hurry inject the medicine in to stop my stroke kinda actions.

And i was complaining about my eyes which were super painful as i kept looking upwards uncontrollably.

It was literally something like 'fan bai yan.'

After which they finally injected the medicine in.

Two at my both elbow joints and one at my right fist there.

It was painful.

Esp for me who IS afraid of injections.

But i couldn't care anymore.

My priority was to get out of my current state.

But there were still 'ouches' coming from me and i rmb the doctor kept apologising but insisted that i must not move.'

And wells the medicine was superb.

I simply cant rmb when i fell asleep.

I suppose is some time right after the medicine was injected in cause i felt this numbness within my whole body.

Though my eyes were closed but i guess i was half conscious.

I knew they took me for scans again.

And i knew my parents were super worried when they moved me from place to place.

They were holding my hands and kept asking if im okay.

I guess they were worried.

Worried that those actions i had was due to the complications from the brain.

Worried that i will really become an idiot.

I heard the doctors assuring them that i only had drug allergy and would be 100% fine as they did checks on me already.

After all the scans, they brought me back to the observation ward.

Where they placed me on the bed.

I remember me tangling up with the drip. hahs.

But i soon fell asleep.

But sub-consciously on the way there, i knew i was blabbering alot of words to mum.

And when i reached there, i felt my dad holding my hand to touch his face;

to feel his tears.

He was crying.

Something which is so hard for a guy to do.

Especially for my dad.

He was brought up with a mindset a guy should not show his weakness and should not cry even for the worst things.

Though my eyes were still close,

I could hear clearly what they said and understand how they felt.

But wells, i was too tired and soon i fell into a deep sleep.

According to my mum, the opp. bed patient was making a lot of noises.

But it didnt affect me at all.

I guess i was really slping like a pig.

And wells, during my sleep,

the nurses kept coming to measure my pulse rate and blood pressure.

AND!!THEY USED TORCHLIGHT TO SHINE MY EYES.!!

Imagine you just woke up but they kept shining this super bright thing on your eyes which was super irritating.

And i could still rmb at a a certain point of time when they took my pulse,

the male nurse said that my pulse rate was quite low and he asked if i exercised regularly.

Then i was like 'Exercise??Yes, i do exercise.'(rmbering my wushu pracs and PEs in sch.hahs.)

My parents were beside me and they went out when the nurse said they aren't allowed to stay within the ward.

They didnt slp.

Overly worried about me.

Until the next morning when they came in again,

then they told me they wited for quite long and went home to slp for 2hrs before coming back to the hospital, knowing that i'll be in good hands of the medical staffs.

I woke up around 7plus8

Still in a blur state,

the nurse passed me gurgling water for me to gurgle.

I was thinking. 'But i want my toothbrush to brush my teeth.

I wiped my face and was given breakfast.

The cereal was so disgusting that i almost vomitted eating the first mouth.

Then in the end i only finished the milo(which the taste was quite disgusting as well) and an half boiled egg.

After which i continue to sleep again.

The medicine was super strong i must say.

I was tired for the whole of that day.

I was actually allowed to be discharged at 9am.

But the doctors wanted to observe me a whil longer till 12

Anyways, it was of no difference for me as i continued to sleep.hahs.

PIG!!!!!!!HAHS.

Wells, around 12, the doctor came and examine again(shines torchlight AGAIN.zzz)

And finally i can discharge from the hospital!!!!

YIPEE!!!!

There was actually this 95 yrs old po po lying beside me.

Then at first i tot her son who was beside her was a buddhist too cuz he told the nurse his mother was a vegetarian.

It was until he started praying for a patient then i realised he was a CHRISTIAN!!

Cause when they were doing the paperwork for me to discharge,

he was talking to my parents first then went over to the patient opposite my bed and asked if she wanted him to pray for her.

Then i saw him putting his hands over her and i guess he spoke in tongues as i saw his mouth moving.

i wanted to pray too.

But was too afraid to do that in front of my parents.

Then i turn around using my hair to cover i prayed in tongues for her too.

I guess it was God's way to slowly show my parents how a christian is working for God.

And i guess God made it happen this way to encourage me to gather courage and eventually tell my parents how much i yearn to go church.

Hahs after i discharge, guess wad!!!

my dad brought me to eat LOR MEE !!lol.

That's my favourite!! And i was craving for it right after the disgusting breakfast i had that morning.

Went to bt pumei but the stall was closed.

And then to telok blangah, the lor mee just sold out. aww.

Finally went to tiong baru.
And tahhhhh dahhh!!MY DEAR LOR MEE.

But i couldn't eat much.hahs.

After which i went home and sleep again. LOLS!!pig i know =.=

I suppose God allowed the allergy to happen to show me how much my parents cared for me.

And also to minimise the consequences that i had to face for my mistake. I mean if that allergy hadn't occur, my parents will still be scolding me and probably still scream at me when i got home.(considering my dad's temper and character.)

My parents were much more worried abt my physical injury and health than anything else.

From yesterday to today, it's dunno the how many times my parents had asked me how am i feeling and do i feel any dizziness, headaches or weakness??

They didnt say anything more about me cheating and lying to them.

My dad was amazingly caring.

I used the word 'amazingly' cause he usually doesnt :

come in to my room to check on me the moment he reach home from work.

hug me from behind so often when im typing this on my bed.

ask me so often about how am i feeling.

and all those etc etc.

which usually,

my dad doesnt do.

I wanted to say all this was caused by my that MOMENT OF FOOLISHNESS.

And i wanted to just blame it all on myself.

Benny and wenn were blaming themselves for what has happened to me.

But guys, it wasn't your fault

I suppose God allowed this to happen for a certain reason.

Cause i didnt had enough courage to confess everything to them.

But with this incident happening everything was revealed to them.

But guess wad? he allowed the allergy incident to happen too to minimise the consequences that i WAS AFRAID of facing.

This was what i thought.

But i guess God has his own plans for me which me also doesnt know exactly.

Though those stuffs above is wad i decipher from what has actually happened to me within this period of time.

I guess it will be harder for me to even go out with friends,

let alone to go church.

But, nonetheless, i guess it's a good thing that my parents had already know the truth,

and i no longer have to carry this burden on my shoulders.

It's a relieve actually.

hahs. after the emo post, i shall type something nice.

which is........

IM GOING TO CHURCH FOR SERVICE AND CARNIVAL TMR!!

WOOHOO!

Though there's a price to pay for every time i go church,

i suppose it actually makes me treasure every service i can attend even more.

Cause sometimes, somethings gets to people too easily,

that one will never learn to treasure unless they lose it.

And i believe that's what God wants me to learn.

To learn to treasure and not take things for granted.

hahs.okays!!im excited about tmr!!! RETRO!!

but i suppose i'll look disastrous.

but nvm!!

i'll enjoy myself tmr!!

and i'll treasure every single momment!!

okays.

gotta go.