Saturday, June 30, 2007
The feeling of lying isnt very good.
Really.
I've lied to them again.
It's time after time that i've lied.
And it has already became a routine over time.
Something so natural for me to do when i've to ask for permission to go church,
or church related functions.
im just afraid that i'll just lose myself eventually.
Forgetting how to be truthful to them...
and also..to myself.
Every time i step forward,
to tell them the excuse i've got for myself to go out,
there will always be this crazy 'rojak' type of feelings within me.
I'll be hoping that they will accept my so called excuse,
so that i'll be able to join the people at church for services,
for carnivals, for games,
and..prayer meetings.
But if they really do so, and allow me to go,
i'll definitely be happy.
But the joy within me will very soon be enshrouded by a even greater sense of guilt.
Guilty that i've trampled on the trust they had placed on me,
over and over again.
and without them realising the truth,
i've got away.
i've escaped.
Perhaps im nothing but a coward who is afraid of facing failures.
Someone who refuses to step out of own's comfort zone..
Someone who doesnt have enough courage to confess and to face the consequences.
Sometimes i've wondered,
why wasn't i given this same opportunity to go church like every other of my close friends?
But i've soon realised that it's because i haven't tried hard enough like the rest of them did.
Every a time i step forward,
wanting to confess,
wanting to announce that I WANT TO GO TO CHURCH,
there will always be this sense of fear holding me back.
And on top of it,
these few words will consitently be repeating over and over again in my head.
'Daddy will never allow you to go church. No matter how hard you try. So simply, dont try.'
RAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
I suppose i should'nt be so pessimistic about things.
Cause i believe there's always someone facing a worse-off situation than me.
At least, i've got my chance to feel God's love each time i've slipped off to church for service.
And i believe that's good enough for the time being. =))))))
I believe that eventually there will be this time where i'll be able to be in church every sunday morning worshipping and praising God.
and I'll wait for that day to arrive.
GAMBATEH!!!GOGO!!!FIGHTING!!!
Really.
I've lied to them again.
It's time after time that i've lied.
And it has already became a routine over time.
Something so natural for me to do when i've to ask for permission to go church,
or church related functions.
im just afraid that i'll just lose myself eventually.
Forgetting how to be truthful to them...
and also..to myself.
Every time i step forward,
to tell them the excuse i've got for myself to go out,
there will always be this crazy 'rojak' type of feelings within me.
I'll be hoping that they will accept my so called excuse,
so that i'll be able to join the people at church for services,
for carnivals, for games,
and..prayer meetings.
But if they really do so, and allow me to go,
i'll definitely be happy.
But the joy within me will very soon be enshrouded by a even greater sense of guilt.
Guilty that i've trampled on the trust they had placed on me,
over and over again.
and without them realising the truth,
i've got away.
i've escaped.
Perhaps im nothing but a coward who is afraid of facing failures.
Someone who refuses to step out of own's comfort zone..
Someone who doesnt have enough courage to confess and to face the consequences.
Sometimes i've wondered,
why wasn't i given this same opportunity to go church like every other of my close friends?
But i've soon realised that it's because i haven't tried hard enough like the rest of them did.
Every a time i step forward,
wanting to confess,
wanting to announce that I WANT TO GO TO CHURCH,
there will always be this sense of fear holding me back.
And on top of it,
these few words will consitently be repeating over and over again in my head.
'Daddy will never allow you to go church. No matter how hard you try. So simply, dont try.'
RAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
I suppose i should'nt be so pessimistic about things.
Cause i believe there's always someone facing a worse-off situation than me.
At least, i've got my chance to feel God's love each time i've slipped off to church for service.
And i believe that's good enough for the time being. =))))))
I believe that eventually there will be this time where i'll be able to be in church every sunday morning worshipping and praising God.
and I'll wait for that day to arrive.
GAMBATEH!!!GOGO!!!FIGHTING!!!
10:58 PM Back to top
hahs. After the tiring days of having the JCTs, i finally can have a break!! It's after days and days of 'not enough sleep' nights and finally a day when i can slp until im contented before waking up and not like dragging myself up everyday.=((
But wells..gotta really thank God for pushing me on and accompanying me throughout this exams period..or else i guess i'll have broken down many many times. Hahs. IMAGINE cramming wad u have to do for one month into like 3 days? Or studying and trying to understand probably every chapters of what you've studied for the past half a year within hours?!!~ I really wonder who under such situations will not get MADD. OH wells..THOUGH i admit it's my fault for not being able to fully UTILISE the whole of my june holidays..=/
AND so after chiong-ing to the last paper of JCT, i spent my whole of thursday out to bugis with unsound again. This time looking for our RETRO outfits on sunday's family carnival!! But wells..in the end only wenn and enn bought their tops..but anyway i suppose i can wear my white dress with a hot loud red belt and of course my RETRO hairband modified from a belt..pro rights?
And finally we got hungry and a thought of going to eat steamboat came to my mind. then i was like suggesting it to unsound but i didnt know they will actually be so ON! hahs. Tad's unsound with ki siao ideas and ki siao ppl supporting it!!RAHHHH!!!!!!!!=)))) And so after eating we walked to esplanade wanting to digest the food. There we saw this super pro piece of art..[seems pro to be cuz im an ART IDIOT. and i admit that cuz i don't seem to draw things well unlike my sis with super artistic talent]hahs. shall upload the pic later..but was totally amazed by it cuz the whole art piece was drawn using a single line and this line cannot be overlapped or broken!! COOL man! After this, we realised it was super late and decided to go home reaching home ard midnight..woah.=)
And hahs..my eating journey continues today..went to meet my TJ[temasekjc. hahs cuz it stands of TABERNACLE OF JOY TOO!!cool rights im truly a TJ-cian.hahs] clique..then they hav decided to eat sushi buffet since the day before..but i didnt want it cuz was super full from the steamboat the night before. And so this super nice shee ping went to tell the clique im okay with sushi and actually if url want to go im still okay with it[hoping that they will still say nvm and stuffs] BUT..guess WHAT!!they DIDNT and in the end we went to eat suki sushi. oh wells..i suppose my double tyre like wad enn says is coming out liao[cuz i refuse to accept wong wong's idea of one huge thingy with a smaller tyre on top.hahs.]But in the end.. i realised they all didnt actually felt super hungry initially to eat buffet and end up everyone spending 20 bucks more on drinking the orange juice while talking than eating sushi. I suppose suki sushi must be super happy with us this type of customers! hahs. Another impromtu/super on clique im in again!!!
argh...im tired..lol..shall stop my first post here then and shan't continue to talk about the unhappy stuffs which happened the later part of today. =(((((((hah. but it's actually after much reflection on myself that i realised that i've actually unknowingly commited a serious mistake. and wells. i know it's all part of LEARNING!=)))))
ANYWAY!!!!!!! just before i end, i want to tell everybody that im really in WUSHU. BELIEVE IT OR NOT IM STILL IN THERE.*hints*so you know it's not very intelligent to irritate me. i suppose no need for any elaboration. hahs!
hahs. it's actually the tiny little things from everyday that makes me learn and grow!!
every step; is a step nearer.
1:23 AM Back to top
TAHHHHHHHH DAHHHHH!!!!*shows my completed blog proudly* XD
after seeing unsound one by one reviving their blogs to blog about their AC days i've decided to revive mine too..hahs..and here after much work i finally removed the tonnes and tonnes of cobwebs tad hav developed for the past few months.
and yea a NEW me and a NEW blog...
o wells..it seems like i have forgotten how to blog properly. =(((
but hmm..i've no idea if i'll continue to keep this blog alive..but it's a good start anyway!!!
it's a new beggining!!! XD
after seeing unsound one by one reviving their blogs to blog about their AC days i've decided to revive mine too..hahs..and here after much work i finally removed the tonnes and tonnes of cobwebs tad hav developed for the past few months.
and yea a NEW me and a NEW blog...
o wells..it seems like i have forgotten how to blog properly. =(((
but hmm..i've no idea if i'll continue to keep this blog alive..but it's a good start anyway!!!
it's a new beggining!!! XD
12:53 AM Back to top
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