Saturday, July 07, 2007
Beneath this cheerful facade, there lives a broken soul.
I felt frustrated.
And this feeling was no better, in fact getting worse these few days.
Especially today,
when i finally exploded.
This afternoon there was this cedar alumni band meeting at pp macs.
I didnt remember what dad has said to me a few days ago until i asked him if i can go for the meeting.
I went into his room and asked.
But before i could say finish my sentence,
he cut it away and said dont ask me anything cause you should know you're not supposed to go.
You should have known the consequences for lying.
I was like....
speechless.
But mum was telling him to let me go since it's just nearby here.
And i was just having lunch with them.
He eventually allowed after asking many times:
'Did you lie to me again?'
Those repeated sentences totally broke my heart.
The worst came when after i walked out of the room,
my mum said: i think you should not ask dad about going church anymore now since he doesn't trust you to go this time.
Let alone going church.
I was like..
What happened? I thought a few days ago u said u wanted to convince dad to allow me to go church...but now...
I didnt want to give up right away and i asked again: but after my wound heals and after he has cooled down??
My mum didn't replied and walked away.
I was thinking so what happened??
Im being pushed back to square again.
Everything she said that made me HAPPY the few days ago was nothing?
Oh wow.
After the meeting i came back and i shut myself inside my room.
I was thinking about what seriously had happened for the past few weeks.
And i eventually broke down.
I asked God :
'Why must You be so cruel towards me?WHY?!WHY?!WHY?!
And why did You allow this entire thing to happen??
I dont understand and seriously it's driving me crazy.
Why Lord? Why? I really dont understand.'
I cried.
Then i played the song The More I Seek You from my phone and i sang along with it.
Then there was this verse when a guy sings.
Then there was this verse when a guy sings.
It was something i didnt hear before.
I stopped singing and listened.
Then i realised it's cause i didnt actually had any chance to finish hearing the entire song.
Everytime i would stop this song halfway for different reasons.
It went:
I hear the voice, it's the voice that i want to know.
He's calling my name.
I hear the voice, it's the voice that i want to know.
He's calling my name.
He's saying,
Come my empire and hear the angels sing.
Come my empire, my beloved.
Come my empire and leave this world behind.
You'll find me to be beautiful.
Then the girl sings again.
I am running, running after you.
You'll become my soul's delight!
I am running, running after you.
You'll become my soul's delight!
And with you,
I'll find my light.
After the whole song has finished,
I wiped away my tears and started thinking.
Was that a coincidence?
Or was it what God wants me to hear?
I Don't Know.
Or simply i was thinking too much??
But i just felt better.
In a way, i felt that He's comforting me and
He still wants me to be in his kingdom.
And the song kept repeating on my head.
Especially that verse.
I was almost there.
I was near.
But yet,
I was never there.
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