Testimony.

I could still remember when i was young, i used to look at my mother when she started burning joss sticks and incense paper to a figurine on the altar. One day, the inquisitive me, asked my mother why she has been doing all those things like offering fruits and joss sticks to the figure and she replied that those offerings were given to God so that they will bless us and ensure our family’s safety. Besides, i have a grandmother who is a devoted Buddhist. She has always been going regularly to the temple, prays everyday for at least an hour and is a vegetarian. Since young, I’ve often heard her talking about the wonders of the many Gods.

Eventually, i started following what my mother does. I prayed to those figurines on the altar and accompanied my mother to the temple. But i never knew the true meaning of what God is like for me. Not until i have known Jesus.

In primary school, I have always gotten good or at least satisfactory results for every examination i have sat for and eventually got into an em1 class. However, this has gradually raised my parents’ expectations on my academic performances. Eventually, when i got to secondary school, my academic results started to deteriorate and my parents got stricter with me. I could still remember when i gave my dad my secondary 2 mid year results slip which were on an average 60, he practically crumpled my whole result slip and refused to sign it. Besides, he also stopped me from surfing the net and going out with friends. During that rebellious and playful stage of life, i on many occasions would find myself going against his will and thus worsen our relationship.

Looking at my many blog entries during that period of time, i realised how much i had hated him in the past. I even called him names like an idiot, a brute, an organism or even a Frankenstein monster. That was a period of time when our relationship worsened even more. There was several times when we were not even able to speak up to a sentence for the whole day although we were both at home.

It was a struggle for my secondary 2 to 3 years. Facing pressures from academics and from my parents plus the soured relationship between friends, i broke down and it felt as though i have fallen into a bottomless pit. It was the period of time when i started self-mutilation. I cut my own wrists with penknives, scissors or other sharp objects. During that stage of life, i thought physical pain was much easier to handle than emotional or mental pain. It eventually got worse and i did it more often and thoughts of suicidal came to me so easily when things didn’t fall in place. To escape from my mum’s questions on where did i get those cuts from, i put plasters on them and told my parents that i had fallen down and got cut or just practically keep myself away from appearing in front of them.

Those were my struggles before knowing Jesus.

During the end of secondary 3 year around November, lily invited us to her church.(wenqi, peiting, yongen and i) I eventually got baptised by the Holy Spirit on 13 November 2005 together with wenqi. It was a day I’ll never forget. It was a day when i got to know Jesus and it was He, who changed the direction of my entire life. Or i guess I’ll still be stuck right down in the bottomless pit and never be able to walk out of it.

I eventually learnt how to handle my emotions in a proper manner and instead of resorting to self-mutilation, i prayed. Although i still could not go for church services, God has never given up on me. He was The One who was by my side, listening to my problems even though i didn’t know he was there; The One who brought me out of the darker side of life; The One who helped me understand my dad better; The One i can lean on when i face struggles in life. I have learnt to be more understanding towards my dad. To understand that he is a traditional, chauvinistic man and someone who is never good at expressing himself. To understand that God has put him as my authority for my own good and i have to honour my authority cause it means honouring God too. Currently, though there were still times when i am unhappy with him, the whole situation has actually improved a lot. At least, i have learnt to tolerate and not to argue back.

Generally, my approaches towards struggles and problems had changed for the better. Even though i know there are more of them ahead, but i guess i can handle them in a better and correct manner compared to the past.

However, there are still times when i am on the verge of giving up on the opportunity to know Christ or simply said, to drift away cause of parental objections and many internal emotional struggles.

But i guess it will definitely be more of a struggle to give up on Christ than anything else.