The feeling of lying isnt very good.
Really.

I've lied to them again.
It's time after time that i've lied.
And it has already became a routine over time.
Something so natural for me to do when i've to ask for permission to go church,
or church related functions.
im just afraid that i'll just lose myself eventually.
Forgetting how to be truthful to them...
and also..to myself.

Every time i step forward,
to tell them the excuse i've got for myself to go out,
there will always be this crazy 'rojak' type of feelings within me.
I'll be hoping that they will accept my so called excuse,
so that i'll be able to join the people at church for services,
for carnivals, for games,
and..prayer meetings.
But if they really do so, and allow me to go,
i'll definitely be happy.
But the joy within me will very soon be enshrouded by a even greater sense of guilt.
Guilty that i've trampled on the trust they had placed on me,
over and over again.
and without them realising the truth,
i've got away.
i've escaped.

Perhaps im nothing but a coward who is afraid of facing failures.
Someone who refuses to step out of own's comfort zone..
Someone who doesnt have enough courage to confess and to face the consequences.

Sometimes i've wondered,
why wasn't i given this same opportunity to go church like every other of my close friends?

But i've soon realised that it's because i haven't tried hard enough like the rest of them did.
Every a time i step forward,
wanting to confess,
wanting to announce that I WANT TO GO TO CHURCH,
there will always be this sense of fear holding me back.
And on top of it,
these few words will consitently be repeating over and over again in my head.
'Daddy will never allow you to go church. No matter how hard you try. So simply, dont try.'

RAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
I suppose i should'nt be so pessimistic about things.
Cause i believe there's always someone facing a worse-off situation than me.
At least, i've got my chance to feel God's love each time i've slipped off to church for service.
And i believe that's good enough for the time being. =))))))
I believe that eventually there will be this time where i'll be able to be in church every sunday morning worshipping and praising God.
and I'll wait for that day to arrive.


GAMBATEH!!!GOGO!!!FIGHTING!!!